Irony Isn't Funny
by Fuckoffiamus
Summary: Brittany thinks Santiago is the dreamiest guy she's ever seen. But he's barely even batted a gorgeous eyelid at her. Until fate strikes in Health Class and they're paired together for an assignment... much to Santiago's girlfriend, Quinn's, distaste. Genderswap!Santana (Santiago Mario Lopez) Regular Female Brittany.


**A/N:** **Hello All! This** _ **is**_ **a Genderswap!Santana story – for those who don't know what that means, it's the male version of Santana and regular Brittany – so if you're not into that then click the back arrow cos this story's not for you.**

 **I'm taking this one chapter by chapter so all y'all can be a part of what happens even though I do have an overall plan for the big things that happen in the story, but in later chapters there'll be a voting poll at the end so you guys (and gays) can determine what happens in any following chapters.**

 **But don't think on that too much; for now, read on!**

* * *

That hair; so curly, soft, shiny and dark. That skin; so tan and smooth-looking. That smile; so infectious and perfect. That laugh; so contagious, bubbly and happy. That body; so chiseled and defined. And those eyes… I could stare at them for hours and not get bored. But that voice tops it; it's so rich and smooth and makes me shiver and tingle all over.

Except.

He's never spoken directly to me. He's just spoken _near_ me. To other people.

And I've admittedly eavesdropped a few times just so I can hear his voice. But usually he doesn't say much… when he does, though… I yearn for those moments.

"Ms. Pierce?" I hear from the front of the room and snap my eyes off of Santiago – _perfect, dreamy Santiago_ – and towards the teacher who's now frowning at me with a red marker in her hand and a real confusing looking equation on the interactive whiteboard behind her.

"Yes, sergeant?" I stutter out and a few of my classmates chuckle while my best friend, Mercedes, covers her mouth as she tries desperately to hold in her signature cackle.

Mrs. Hagberg rolls her eyes and holds out the marker. "Complete this equation, Ms. Pierce." She says and I chew on my lip as I stand up, avoiding looking at Santiago, and move towards the board to finish the equation. I take the marker and take off the cap before staring at the long equation and back at Mrs. Hagberg who raises her eyebrow and nods for me to answer the equation.

I touch the marker to the board, not having a single clue in my mind on what the fucking answer is, and write down the first thing that comes to my head.

 **4 + 6 = 10**

I turn back to Mrs. Hagberg and smile broadly as she sighs and nods. "Correct. Back to your seat now." She says and I gasp with a smile as I go back to my desk while Mercedes is wetting herself with laughter.

"Girl, I can't believe that was actually right." She snickers out and I grin broadly with a proud nod.

"I know, I just guessed." I whisper as Mrs. Hagberg goes onto the next equation and Mercedes laughs become silent.

"Britt. Psst! Brittany!" I hear being whispered behind me and I turn in my seat to meet my friend from Glee, Kurt. "Did you hear?"

"Hear what?" I ask.

"Friday in Health Class. We have to pick names and we're gonna have to take care of a doll for two weeks with the person we pick." Kurt mutters. "You hoping you get Mr. Hearthrob?"

"No, cos if he actually talks to me for real I'll faint and die." I whisper back. "I hope I get you since we have that pact that if we're thirty and single we'll get married and have a baby together."

"How many times do I have to tell you that I'm not gonna marry you? Just the baby." Kurt says and I pout. "And we're not conceiving our child via coitus."

"It was worth a shot." I say and turn back in my seat before turning right back and frowning at him. "Is coitus a fish?"

"No, Bee. No, it's another word for sex." He tells me. "You're thinking of koi. That's a fish."

"Oh." I breathe out. "I wanna get a fish."

* * *

"Girl, you best stop stealin' my tots aforez I cut you, bitch." Mercedes says as she swats at my hand just as I'm going in for another tater tot.

"Just one more though." I whine and she purses her lips in her famous bitch face.

"Get your own." She says and I chuckle, going back to my stupid salad.

"Bee, why are you on a diet anyways? Your body is smokin', you've got legs that go on for days and you're a dancer which means you can literally eat anything you want and all the calories'll just burn right off." Kurt says and I lick my teeth as I fork my salad with a pout.

"I just feel like… maybe I'm not perfect enough yet." I mumble and Mercedes lets out a groan.

"Girl, stop trying to get that boy to notice you cuz if he hasn't seen how perfect you are already then he don't have eyes." She says in all her sassy ways.

"He does have eyes." I breathe out. "He has perfect, chocolaty, dreamy eyes that I could melt in."

"Brittany, stop, babe." Kurt says and I pout. "Yeah, he's gorgeous and chiseled and wonderful, but you don't know him as a person. And, for your sake, I'm hoping he's a complete dick so you can get over him and move on to someone who's _not_ constantly drooling over Quinn freakin' Fabray like the rest of his football team bonehead buddies."

"Well, Quinn's clearly prettier than me."

"Boo, she don't hold a freakin' candle to you, honey. She's pretty and blond and she'll spread her legs for any guy that looks her way, but that's pretty much all that girl has. She's not smart, she's not funny, she's not bubbly or goofy. She's just a freakin' cheerleader with a fake nose and a crucifix around her neck." Mercedes rants in one breath and I can't help my grateful grin that she's trying to make me feel better.

"She also has him, though." I mutter and Mercedes sighs with a sympathetic pout, rubbing my back and giving me the rest of her tater tots. "He's the one thing she has that I want and I just don't get why he doesn't even look at me considering all you guys can say about me is really nice things."

"Who gives a shit what that boy thinks?" Mercedes huffs and I chew on the inside of my cheek.

"I do."

"Why, though?" Kurt asks and I lick my lips.

"Cos I really like him. And I think that maybe if he and I got to have a conversation for a few minutes he might like me too." I say and Kurt rests his chin in his hand.

"I agree with that, but it ain't gonna happen while little miss Bitchy-Do is still in the picture." Mercedes tells me and I nod as the bell rings.

"What d'you have now, Bee?" Kurt asks.

"Free period."

"Me too." Mercedes says and Kurt grins widely.

"Me three. Bleachers?" He asks and I grin, packing up my salad and grabbing my bag while Cedes hurries over to the lunch-lady to get more tater tots.

Kurt and I then hang around our usual table while the rest of the students file out or continue talking at their tables. I let my eyes wander around while Kurt taps away excitedly on his phone and spot the HBIC herself literally trying to get her tongue down Santiago's throat. I blink, gulp down the dryness in my throat and look down at my hands before jealousy gets the better of me and I look back at the school's most popular couple who are now smiling dreamily at each other as they head out the door that leads to the famous spot at our school where students usually go to smoke weed, drink and/or have sex. And my heart sinks.

"I think my ass just fell out my shorts." I mutter and I smile when I hear Kurt laughing, not being able to hold in his giggles.

"That is the weirdest thing I've ever heard come out of your mouth." He tells me through his chuckles and I snicker, trying desperately to push the thought of Santiago and Quinn probably having sex to the back of my mind as Mercedes wanders back up to us with a big grin and a bag full of containers enclosed with tater tots.

"You paying the lunch-lady to save you extra tots again?" I ask and Mercedes nods. With a chuckle I sling my arm through hers and my other through Kurt's before we make our way to the couch we put in a hidey-hole under the bleachers.

* * *

"Okay. Shag, marry, kill; Noah Puckerman, Sam Evans, Santiago Lopez." Kurt says as I pop a tater tot into my mouth and think on it.

"But I don't wanna kill anyone." I say as I chew.

"Fine." Kurt says with an eye roll. "Shag, marry, punch."

"But I don't like violence."

"Britt! You don't really have to do it; it's a game. Just pick who to shag, who to marry and who to punch."

"Okay. I'd fictionally punch Puckerman cos his hair is stupid and he kinda looks like a pedophile." I say and Mercedes cackles, high on tots. "I'd shag…Wait, what does shag mean?"

"Have sex." Kurt says.

"Oh. I thought it was a dog. Like Shaggy Dog."

"I think you're the only person I've ever met that mistakes sex for some type of animal." Kurt says and Mercedes laughs again.

"Okay, whatever. I'd fictionally have koi—"

"Coitus."

"—with Sam cos I don't wanna marry him cos he smells like Lord Tubbington's butt and I don't wanna be around that my whole life. And if I married him then we'd have kids and then our kids would also smell like Lord Tubbington's butt and I can only deal with Lord Tubbington's butt smelling like that not a whole bunch of people." I say and roll my eyes while Kurt and Mercedes wet themselves with laugher.

"You smell your cats butt?" Kurt chuckles out.

"Yeah. Every month."

"Why?"

"Cos I'm pretty sure he's smoking cocaine through his tail."

"Britt—" Mercedes laughs out. "You don't smoke cocaine."

"I know I don't, but I think Tubbs does."

"No. That's not how the drug is taken." Kurt says and I roll my eyes. "Anyway, so you'd marry Lopez?"

"Well, yeah. But that's obvious. And we'd have cutie caramel babies." I say and Mercedes, through her continuous laughter, throws a tot at me.

"We're taking you out Friday night." She giggles out. "You gotta get over that boy."

* * *

 **A/N:** **More? Let me know! We'll meet Santiago in the next chapter which will also be longer.**


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